Stormy

[Stormy]

He entered the strange new lands with many questions stirring up in his head. Why is everyone looking at me funny? He wondered. He wanted to show off in front of the beautiful faes. He pranced around and reared up show off his beautiful mane and tail. The faes just looked at him and walked away. He kept on walking , trying to figure out these new lands. He saw a couple big harems that just ignored him. He walked over to asmall pond and took a big drink. He herd someone behind him. He turned around and saw a beautiful fae, Areeah. She was like a dream, the most beautiful creature on earth. Would you like to go on a walk? I awaited her answer patiently.

[[×]..§tårrÿ.Éÿêð..[×]]

[ Areeah or Avvy, I'll let one of you two do this one as I want to see how you do as a tutor ]

[.|Areeah|.]

ok ill do her since she is my freind...*sigh*

[.|Areeah|.]

ok Darcy where do i start...ok got it! First of all i know that you tried really hard on this post because i know how you usually rp. Anyway you should use as much detail as possible. You can describe the weather or what the faes look like or what they hare doing. What are you doing? How are you moving and how fast. Next try to use as many rp words as possible. You can look at the RP terms on one of the boards here. After awhile of looking at them you will start to remember and use different words every time. Most importantly use your own personality. Dont look at other peoples posts and say i like that and just pretty much say what they say all the time. Be creative. Also if you do all those things and find your posts still being short, then start a new paragraph and talk about something a little different, maybe what you are thinking about or where you want to go, just to name a few things.

[misty]

ok thanks I will try again. Tell me how this one is

[misty]

oh ya, this is stormy just on my new horse.

[misty]

Im rping as stormy.

The strong stag trotted around just as it started to snow. The dark clouds surrounded him for miles. The little pieces of snow gently blew down hitting the icey ground. A big snowflake landed on the tip of his nose and melted, sending a shiver all over his body. He saw a beautiful fae. She was walking slowly heading towards the river. I quickly walked over to the beautiful fae and Asked her What be your name? I be stormy I looked at her caring eyes just as she turned around. She looked at me and said nothing for a long time. I asked her again. What be your name? I just stood paatiently waiting for her answer. I looked to the river and saw a baby bird floating on a log heading towards the fall. I galloped super fast and dove into the river. I got the bird onto my back and swam quickly back to land. I climbed out of the water and layed on the land for a few minutes. The bird Chriped towards me and happiliy hopped away. I slowly got up and shook off all of the water. I stood patiently waitng for the fae to finally answer me.

how was that?? Ugh im terrible at this. I just cant post long and now ppl want to change it so you have to write 8 or more sentences. someone help prepare me!!!! AAHHHHHH

[..*avvy (arrosé.chianna)]

Arreah, i hope you don't mind me just popping up here I'm just DYING to try my hand at tutoring Lol

OK, so misty, I'm going to go through your post and point out how you could improve each sentence, alternate words, etc.


The strong stag trotted around just as it started to snow.

This sentence is a pretty good one, however it is not what I'd call an opening sentence. maybe you could try to describe something thats happening around your character, or your characters surroundings, like so-

In the ever shadowed meadow, the strong stag trotted around just as it started to snow.

Then, you may want to try using some different words for your verbs, nouns, and adjectives. If you're stuck, try www.thesaurus.com. As Areeah said before, there's also a lot of good words in the RP Terms.

The dark clouds surrounded him for miles.

This sentence and the next one could probably have been combined to make a well structured single sentence, which brings me to my next point- combined sentences are always a plus, even if it means you need more to make a paragraph. so you could have said,

The dark clouds surrounded him for miles while the little pieces of snow gently blew down, hitting the icy ground.

A big snowflake landed on the tip of his nose and melted, sending a shiver all over his body. He saw a beautiful fae.

Now, what you can do here is introduce your character a bit more. In your first sentence, we learned he was a strong stallion. What does he look like? Is he a chestnut stallion, or a white one? Is he short or tall, thin or fat, muscular or sinewy? Did the big snowflake send a shiver all over his moving body, or was he standing still?

She was walking slowly heading towards the river. I quickly walked over to the beautiful fae and Asked her,

Now, look at these two last sentences closely. He saw a fae, I asked her. There's been a point of view switch, from third person to first. There is a very creative way to RP in here, opening with a 3POV and ending up with first, however you need to somehow signify they are separate. use italics for one, maybe, or a line -->

---

separating them.

Words, or thoughts, cannot be improved on. They shape your characters personality. I'm not going to say anything about your spoken sentences because they are your characters words, and not yours, in a non-reality biased sense.

I looked at her caring eyes just as she turned around. She looked at me and said nothing for a long time. I asked her again.

Again, here you could use more detail in what the fae looked like, where was she in relation to your character? Did their tails brush against each other? What colour are her caring (compassionate?) eyes? The one most important type of word in RPing is adjectives. You cannot make posts without them, not even if you tried (i don't think anyone tries).

I just stood patiently waiting for her answer. I looked to the river and saw a baby bird floating on a log heading towards the fall.

Deeetail. What kind of baby bird? Was it a baby robin, a baby sparrow, a baby goose? Also, you may want to re-think some of the text here as well. Earlier on you noted that it was snowing. Usually birds are chicks in the spring, after the snow has gone away.

I galloped super fast and dove into the river. I got the bird onto my back and swam quickly back to land.

I'm going to give an example sentence here, because I think to understand what I'm going to say all I can do is show you...

I galloped along the bank as fast as my churning pillars could possibly carry me. I shifted my weight as I sprung, coiling my legs beneath my physique and releasing them like a wild spring. SPLASH! The water was icy cold as I waded out to the bird, coaxed it onto my now very damp back and returned with no little difficulty, though much speed, to the shoreline.

With that I've stretched out the sentences, given you a picture in your mind of a horse springing courageously into a rushing river, rescuing a bird and struggling as fast as it can go back to the shore.

I climbed out of the water and layed on the land for a few minutes. The bird Chriped towards me and happiliy hopped away.

The waterlogged bird, the cold land. Every noun you have should have at least one adjective, without going overboard. Don't go,

I went to the meadow.

Don't go

I quickly, anxiously, crazily went to the shadowy, snow-filled, empty meadow.

DO go

I anxiously went to the shadowy meadow.

I slowly got up and shook off all of the water. I stood patiently waiting for the fae to finally answer me.

What was the fae's expression as she watched you? Did she looked disgusted that you saved a life? Impressed? Passive? Describe everything around your character; describe your character and your characters interaction with the world; describe your characters thoughts, opinions, describe everything you possibly can.

Another thing (it saved my life!) At the bottom of the post box beside the buttons Post Reply, Preview, and Reset, there is a button called Spell Check. It opens a spell checker to make sure that you have no typos. This makes posts much easier to read for the rest of us!

[misty]

Ok thanks ill deffinelty try to improove

[..*avvy (arrosé.chianna)]

glad i could help